Argh, a little catch is definitely overdue! My anxiety/stress/worry was getting on top of me and I went back in to survival mode which is when I do the bare minimum to get by eat/sleep/work/repeat till problem goes away. Throw in a little therapy and self care and usually I can deal with the world OK but this year there have just been so many little things every other week that keeps throwing me off but I am happy to say I am nearly back to my ‘normal’. Just have the 26th November to get through. Read on dear reader!
So I think I left you at the end of October, Halloween was good - we had a lot of visitors at the new house which was fun then I ate the rest of the sweets. On the 3/4th of Nov I had my dad come up as a surprise Sunday lunch for my sister pre surgery. We had all the dogs, over cooked beef, undercooked dauphinoise but it was lovely to be together before a stressful week. At this point my anxiety was highhhh, I wanted the meal to be perfect, I was worried about my sister, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I felt like utter shit. This culminated in a 4am trip to A&E on the 5th of November.
I had had a pain in my right side on and off all weekend and put it down to anxiety induced IBS but I woke at about 3.30am in pain and when I got up to go to the toilet…there was a lot of blood. Now I am on the mini pill so I don’t have a period, ever, and so the sight of so much blood (is this TMI?) panicked me, added with the right sided pain I worried it was an ovary or something. 6 hours later I was discharged with good bloods, no infection, good urine and a diagnosis of anxiety. Thats right, anxiety can give you a fulllll on Carrie style bleed. I was that anxious that apparently my hormone levels had changed and told my body to do something about it. Upset and perplexed I went home to bed and slept for 10 hours.
Wednesday 7th and my sisters operation went well, she was in overnight because she reacted to the anaesthetic. On the 26th Nov we find out if any of the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes but the consultant said everything was looking good.
The 26th also happens to be mums birthday, or what would have been her birthday and our first one with out her. I have planned something which I hope will make the day a little bit nicer but to be honest I just want it out of the way with hopefully good news about Lili and not too much sadness about mum.
On Sunday 11th Michael flew to Prague for work, oh boy oh boy. I am never good when Michael goes away because he is my ‘safe person’ something that I worked on last year and started to get better going out in the car with other people etc. I thought I was doing OK, on Sunday night I watched Strictly, ordered some jigsaws, had a long bath, binge watched Gilmore Girls and tried to get a decent nights sleep. I woke up Monday morning and had the most amount of panic attacks in a few hours than I had had all year. I had no idea why my brain and body wouldn’t calm down and I knew it wasn’t going to calm down until Michael came home. I popped all the drugs I could, spoke to a friend then ran a bath to see if I could halt the anxiety. Nope.
Michael booked the earliest flight back which was 8pm that night, and I can’t even put in to words how grateful I was he decided to do that, his work were understanding and whilst I felt so bad I just knew I needed him back home with me. Him being away was just an extra anxiety my brain couldn’t deal with and my body and mind were now at full capacity and I had what can only be described as a full meltdown. Thankfully I had a docs app booked in for the Weds.
I slept so well, it was probably one of the best nights sleep I have had this year. I woke up on the Tuesday feeling so much calmer, I started a jigsaw, got on with some work and whilst I was still getting that weird pain and bleeding I was feeling better.
Michael was at work and this pain was aggravated when walking so I didn’t want to walk to the docs so got my friend to give me a lift. Stranger danger, I never let anyone drive me but I needed to go and I planned this whilst I thought Miller was in Prague so I went ahead with it. She drove perfectly, I felt safe and the appointment went well. He prodded and poked me, declared he didn’t know what was wrong so most likely bowel issues and then offered me anti-depressants. Specifically Sertraline which is more of an anti-anxiety than anti-depressant but still an SSRI. If you have any experience with this drug please message me on insta, would love to talk to you about it. Ive got a check up in 3 weeks and at the point of writing this (Monday 19) I haven’t dared take them yet. I smashed my little exposure therapy and felt really proud of myself. I was already in such a different mindset than I was on Monday. We came home, had a catch up then I cooked dinner and then jigsaw puzzled my heart out!
It was Michaels birthday on Friday and he has a week off, we had a slow morning, a slow afternoon then I decided I’d go for dinner with him and his family. I didn’t eat anything, had a gin but stayed relatively anxious free until it started getting realllly busy. The main problem is that the restaurant is all glass an marble and the acoustics really set off my ears when it gets busy, any other anxious folk get like that?
Saturday was a chill day, I have taken on some work with Gousto and the food all arrived so we had fun cooking together. How do you feel about insta-ads? I took on Gousto because I had got so bored with stuff I was cooking in the aga and needed a kick up the butt. They also told me I would have a 60% off code to share which I couldn’t say no to, that would mean you could get 4 meals for £14…thats £1.75 per person. Code is Phoebe60M by the way! I think Gousto are actually the first insta ad I have done, I get asked a lot but never feel they fit my feed/lifestyle. The contract is long, there are lots of Ts and Cs and I don’t get paid until after the campaign but I am having fun cooking food and sharing recipes so its worth it. I feel I am spending more time and effort on instagram that I need to start making money for it so that I can justify spending less time on SYGM so taking on ads makes sense to me.
Another brand I have agreed to work with had a deadline for the 19th to submit my content, so naturally I had left it to the last minute and in my head I decided I needed a Christmas tree for the photo. We drove round on Sunday searching for a 3ft real tree and managed to find one that also fit in the car, went for some lunch (!) got home, decorated and it was too dark for pics so I had to do them the next day. Instead we watched some of The Good Place, I had some friends over then finished my jigsaw. It was a wonderful moment that I am glad I shared through instagram.
So here we are on Monday, this has been a hefty update hey? Right now I feel so less anxious than this time last week. I will start on the Sertraline this week though, just worried about side effects and want to enjoy our wedding anniversary tomorrow symptom free. The pain has gone, the bleeding has stopped, I am sleeping well and ugh after the 26th is over I feel like I can finally relax a bit. I am about to start on the next jigsaw, finish series 7 of Gilmore Girls and demand Michael go to McDonalds and pick me up a fanta and some fries, Mondays can be good.