Happy Tuesday to you! Are you currently sat swathed in snow? We have had a little flurry in Yorkshire but nothing major, yet! I have taken a break from work to get this written up, my inbox is frightening. I keep ignoring it, that isn't going to help anyone I know but hopefully by tomorrow I will have cleared through the past 3 weeks of correspondence. Work aside, I am feeling SO much better about things. Kinda.
When we were getting ready to move one of the (many) things I was worried about was my new neighbourhood. I had come to know exactly how long it took to walk everywhere, when I was at my worst I couldn't even make it to the post box. That post box and subsequent bin became milestones during my exposure therapy. The problem was that they were on a main road and the noise, smell and sight of all the traffic on some days was just too much. I pushed myself and hit those milestones and further but I worried that moving would mean resetting my little mental markers and timing how far I am from everything.
It is so quiet, when we got out walking with the dog that was the first thing I noticed. It was like we had moved to a village. I have started walking all the roads around the house learning where they go and how long it takes and whilst out with the dog I realised our walks were much calmer and weren't just serving a purpose of getting the dog to poop. I was actually enjoying myself. As a bonus I keep stumbling on massive houses tucked away behind big walls.
The house is coming along well, still got the pink going on but that is set to go in the next couple of weeks.
The electrician came and chopped a load of redundant wires out of the house, helped explain what kind of light fittings we can have and where (the beams!) he then installed the chandeliers. The one in the kitchen was a wedding present from members of Michaels family. I think it looks amazing over the island and it catches the morning sunshine beautifully.
On Sunday the 18th, I invited all our new neighbours over. I sent out a little invite during the week but forgot to put an RSVP on the cards so had no idea if anyone or no one would be turning up. Whilst I am keen to get to know my neighbours, because thats what I had where we lived before, it was all done for a purely selfish reason. Michael is going away to America, him being so far away and my 'safe person' is a major trigger for me. Even writing this out is making my anxiety bubble up. It's something I have dealt with before (he went to Australia for 2 months a few years ago) but having people around me I can call on if something goes wrong is important for my own sanity. Whilst I do like to think of myself as a strong independent wommannnnnn, mid panic attack all reasoning goes out of the window.
Thankfully everyone turned up bar the elderly gentleman who lives in a mews cottage behind. Everyone seems really lovely, and they didn't know each other themselves so it was nice to bring everyone together just to say ''hello, I live in that house''.
In much more interesting news, we did DIY. Michael and I are not gifted in the DIY area. Whilst I can do it, and I try at the basic stuff theres a lot I would rather someone skilled do. Wall mounting a TV seemed in the realms of our skill set so we popped to Wickes to buy masonry bits and then starting drilling in to the wall right above some electrics....Many sweaty hours later, Michael is very proud of the wall mounting. It's solid AF.
I am totally a winter person but for the first time I can't wait till it gets warmer so I can sit out here more. I am not sure what I am going to do with the space yet, in time I want a built in bar, lots of festoon lights and oodles of greenery but it will take a while to get to that.
Friday 23rd and it was my birthday! I wrote about my 30th last year which I dealt with super well ha.
It was a weird one this year, it wasn't a big number to celebrate but as Michael was off it was nice we could spend the day together. My anxiety is high at the moment (less than it was, thats for sure) I thought I'd be find for a trip in to town. A messy traffic filled journey in, and a panic attack in the toilets of John Lewis later we were back home. I was meant to meet friends but I bailed and stayed in and had take-away and watched Wind River (one of my favourite films from last year)
One of the best things of the day was received some beautiful flowers from my florist friend Sarah (the bouquet above) but also this wreath arrived from Anneka and Rob, they sent it via Sarah from Australia. It was such a lovely gesture, and it makes me smile every time I leave the house (even if new neighbours think I am a little OTT having a birthday wreath!).
That weekend was a bit of a meh. Had some news that mum isn't recovering as quickly as we hoped and she is going to be in hospital a lot longer. As Monday came round and Michael had his first day at his new job, I was alone in the house and did a lot or crying. We were meant to be going to see Joe Lycett that evening and I was getting so worked up about going back in to town after feeling so panicky on the Friday.
I talk to myself a lot. I reason with my little anxious brain that it's being stupid but sometimes the thoughts cascade so much and you can't stop them no matter how stupid and irrational they are. I realised I was getting too lost in my head and reapplied for CBT. If mum is to be in Cambridge for a lot longer then I need to get the tools to be able to go and see her. I had a bath, Michael got home and I decided to try and go to town.
I felt agitated, hot and anxious for the first 40 mins of the show. Thankfully watching live comedy is a really good distraction and after a while my brain let me enjoy it. I was so glad I went and more importantly so glad I stayed and sat through the uncomfortable feelings, that is the only way to get over this. I know that. Just tell me other brain that.
I am not looking forward to the next few weeks, the only silver lining I have is that once Michael is back the only thing I have to worry about in the near future is mum, hopefully she will be out of hospital by then, and if not, hopefully I am back on the list for CBT. So, this week was good for getting the house moving and I did enjoy my birthday, I just have this underlying bubble of anxiety at the moment that isn't shifting no matter what I do which is why I think I need to go back and talk to someone.
What I do plan on doing whilst Michael is away is throwing myself in to work and house projects so I will probably be spamming the shit out of you these coming weeks, also expect A LOT of TV and film recommendations on my instagram because I can't stand to have the house quiet whilst he is away! I hope you are doing ok? I am always here to talk to @simply.weekend if you need an ear. Or want to send me distractions whilst he is away?!