Merry bank holiday evening! I hope you had a lovely three day weekend and are feelings rested for the 4 day week (woo!). I am writing this up whilst under the duvet as the weather has taken a turn but we aren't popping the heating or aga on yet. All about the layers and use of bed as warmth. As soon as this is finished we are going to watch the last episode of Sharp Objects, probably one of my favourite TV series of the year so far, really hope the ending pulls it together in a lovely, satisfying bow. That mother though...ooph!
This week hasn't been a great one, but it has had some really good moments, so....shall we begin? I will be the first to hold my hands up and admit I am struggling at the moment, mornings are the worse for me. I am so thankful I don't have to be up a certain time, to commute to an office to sit in a job I don't like. On the flip side I also don't have the motivation to get myself up in a timely fashion to do the job I love. Monday morning was hard, I had dreamt about mum and on waking there was this stabbing feeling as I realised it was a dream and yes, she was still dead. I dragged my bum downstairs for tea and toast, sat on the stairs in the garden and soaked up a little sun.
I did a few usual chores then did some emails. I decided to check with IAPT to see where I was on the waiting list for therapy, I found out the heart breaking news I wasn't going to be seen until early 2019. I just couldn't wait that long. I am not going to rant about the state of the NHS, funding for mental health services because everyone knows its stretched, but it was just a little kick that really got to me. I started looking for local private therapists.
On Tuesday I woke up feeling my usual, for some reason my anxiety is really manifesting itself in my tummy. That evening we were meant to be hosting Michael's dad and partner, I was cooking. I got up, had a bath and then starting cooking bolognese on the aga. It was actually my first time cooking on it properly, definitely a learning curve. By the time they arrived my tummy was so sore and bloated I didn't actually end up having anything to eat. My father in law's partner is actually a therapist so she gave my a number of a colleague to call to see if I could see her, she is within walking distance of the house so that would have been ideal. I went to bed early.
Wednesday and I woke feeling a lot less bloated and a lot chirpier. Michael had an appointment at the hospital to check on a mole (he goes quite regularly due to skin cancer in his family), we got about halfway there and my brain just decided to go in to full meltdown mode, thankfully we had left in enough time that Michael could drop me home and he could still make his appointment. I felt totally shit, gave the number for the other therapist a call, only to be told she is full. Back to the drawing board and utterly deflated. I found the number of another therapist in the area and contacted to see if she was taking new clients, excellent news, she was...but was about to go on holiday so won't be able to start seeing me till mid September. Well that was better than bloody 2019 so I said yes please!
Paint chart arrived, I have decided on the colour for the terrace door (we need a new one as can't currently access terrace due to broken door!) and front door, to be painted before Christmas. Hopefully...A little ASOS haul also arrived, I didn't buy lots but they had 20% off and I was never going to give up the chance to top up on my favourite foundation! I bought the Nars Sheer Glow, these drop earrings, this necklace, these huggies, this top, these trainers and these leopard print shoes.
That evening we ate left over bolognese and caught up on Great British Menu, the taste and smell of the bolognese was comforting and after falling asleep on the sofa I went to bed and slept well.
Thursday was a big day! Michael accepted a new job! He interviewed last week, he met them again on Tuesday then they sent an offer on Thursday, after a little negotiation he was on his way in to town to sign his contract. He was still in his probation by 1 day in his old job so it meant he only had a weeks notice. Worked out well! Its going to mean he doesn't work from home anymore...booo, but will hopefully be happier as he gets to work around people in a role he has been working towards for a long time.
Friday, Michael popped down to Sheffield to see his old boss and hand over his laptop etc, he was really amazing about it all and totally understood why Michael was stepping away from the business. Whilst it is terrifying going for a new job, I know he will do awesome. I just hate change but I think this change is for the best. That morning our friends dropped their pup round for us to dog sit, his name is Prince and he is just as weird as Atticus. They get on so so well and had a lot of fun on the evening walk, mainly Prince being brilliant at fetch and Atticus just following Prince. We had a celebratory dinner at home and an early night! So rock and roll.
Saturday morning and Michael was up early and taking Prince to the park for a run around before his owners picked him up. He let me sleep in a bit, then I got up and had some breakfast with Atticus. We had a lovely chill day on Saturday, watching films, tv series (have started Deep State is very good) and lounged on the sofas till it was bedtime. I felt a bit better but before bed we watched a few trailers for upcoming films, one of which was Christopher Robin and that just brought me to tears. Winnie the Pooh et al remind me of my childhood so much. On Wednesday I had a little breakdown because I was trying to get my Pinterest back up and went to my notifications, saw one from mum, clicked on her profile and one of the last thing she pinned was this...
So yeah. Cue Phoebe ugly crying for at least an hour.
One of the last film suggestions I gave to mum was Goodbye Christopher Robin, which she watched with Lili and Nana, Nana said she really enjoyed it but fell asleep (classic mum though). So seeing the little pooh bear on screen just, god, got me right in the feels. I don't think I will be able to watch it in the cinema as much as I want to. In a later post I will tell you all about my winnie the pooh collection...with photos from the 90s. Ha.
Sunday I woke up in a funk. I stayed in bed till about 4pm then something in my brain was just all "fuck this Phoebe". So I got up, put a wash on, tidied the kitchen, took the dog for a walk then braved the supermarket near closing on a Bank Holiday Sunday. I survived, came home had wine and felt so much better for getting out. We watched Infinity War, some more Deep State, and a little bit of South Park, I went up to bed and Michael gamed for a bit.
So that leads us to today, I opted out of lunch with Michael and his dad and partner because I just didn't fancy the setting of a loud restaurant. Instead I faffed around with rearranging some wardrobe stuff, ate fruit pastels whilst watching Great News (new on netflix, light hearted tv series) and started typing up my week. Right now I am feeling so much better than I did last Monday, I have therapy lined up, Michael starts his new job soon and my anxiety and tummy are starting to be a bit kinder to each other.
Something that I have been doing for the last 10 days is meditation. It's something I read about regularly in all the anxiety/mental health help guides but something I have never been that bothered about, until I found a guy called Michael Sheeney on YouTube. I follow a few of his and never make it to the end before falling asleep. If sleep is not the aim then after 30/40 mins I feel so much calmer. Of course, something could trigger me back to anxious but I think just bringing my body down in to a mentally rested state can only be good long term? Let me know if this is something you have tried or regularly practice?
Anyway, I will let you get on with your fake Sunday evening. I hope the week is kind to you (and me!) and will see you here on Wednesday for that photo editing post I promised last week!