I think I skipped a week last week but seriously, nothing happened. We didn't end up going to the wedding because for once, Michael was ill! Which I then got, so this week has been a little on the dull side. Actually not just dull, I really struggled and I think it was down to my diet so as of Sunday that stopped (will do an update on that at the end).
Monday to Wednesday - ugh mannn. It was some kind of virus but my head felt like it was being clamped tighter and tighter in a vice whilst someone stabbed my eyeballs and shoved razer blades down my throat, on top of that my stomach was killlling. I was hungry, grumpy and being in bed all day made my anxiety worse. This all culminated in a masssssive meltdown on Thursday.
Thursday I managed to get out for a dog walk, fresh air always helps. I was getting worried about not feeling well enough for Lil's birthday the next day and I didn't not want to spend it with her and after dinner I just had this massive wave of nausea and sweating which I initially thought was this virus thing but as the palpitations started I realised my body decided now would be a fantastic time for a fucking panic attack. Now, I have not had a full blown panic since the a1 North on the way back up to Leeds and I was in no way going to have one whilst sat on my sofa watched Sharp Objects (really good by the way).
I stopped the panic attack. This is something I have learnt through practice and CBT techniques and I have a post going up on this this week. I then went upstairs to bed, laid there and thought fuck this, fuck all of this. I called Michael upstairs and we talked for about 2 hours.
Friday and I was still feeling poorly and anxious but my headache had eased, the lemsips seemed to be enough to help my sinuses and I had a plan. Everyone loves a plan.
The gift I had ordered finally arrived, better late than never! I got her a gold disc pendant necklace and on the disc was the Sagittarius constellation in little diamonds. Sagittarius was mums sign. I wrote her card, ordered from Etsy, who doesn't love Jim. If you haven't watched Friday Night Dinner you must. So the plan was to just go. We had a window between dropping Atticus off at the clippers and picking him up, she was going somewhere I had been so ya know. Just go Phoebe.
I got in the car to go but my head was bangingggg. We did a loop of Roundhay Road then came home, I had a lempsip, a beta blocker then after rush hour was finished we tried again.
I put this picture on social media, the response was lovely. Everyone was all like "yayyy go you, you look lovely, beautiful smile" and so forth. Michael did a great job of insta husband, I did a great job of trying to look happy even though I was feeling everything but. We finally got to Lili and stayed for about 45 minutes, long enough to give her her gift, cry, play beer pong and abuse the photo booth. I got home so tired but mustered about 2 hours sleep! WHY!?
Had a little lie in on Saturday morning and felt better. Mentally and physically. Seriously grief mixed with anxiety plus agoraphobia is draining. I am currently listening to an audiobook, its one of those self help ones and I will let you know if it actually has any impact. Our compost bin arrived, I know CALM DOWN. I have subsequently spent a fair few hours googling what I can compost, what the best practices are for composting and I am going to be honest, I searched for facebook groups to join. KEEN AF.
Sunday Sunday, my favourite day. To keep my momentum up and something Michael I discussed on Thursday was that little and often will help me majorly. So I woke up, got dressed and without over thinking planned a trip to a new garden centre. Little anxious on the way, but nothing like town the other day and I was feeling so much better physically!
We bought a hebe because a) it sounds like Phoebe and b) my parents used to have one and I liked it. Its for under the tree in the walled garden/back garden. I also bought about 6 or 7 perennials for some unused zinc planters. I am also after a eucalyptus for the terrace and about 15-20 lavender plants for the planters up there. It has been so hot that most of my plants are suffering greatly but I want to get some things established before we undoubtedly have an arctic style winter.
We dropped the plants back home then headed out to do the food shop. I am no longer on the fodmap diet so shopping was so much easier. After a little snack we took Atticus for a walk in some pretty gardens before ending the evening with tacos on the terrace and Unforgotten in bed. A blissful Sunday and hopefully will set me up for a positive week. Have a good one! Oh there is a vlog version of everything I have written should you fancy it. Link here!
FODMAP WEEK 3
So, I felt so much better eliminating nearly all food known to man. Of course I did, my diet was as plain as a sick dog. I decided add a few things I knew were safe last week, like avocado, sweets, coconut milk...these were all fine but I was eating so little, not enjoying meal times and getting anxious about eating that I just thought it wasn't worth it. I fully believe my sore stomach is due to my anxiety and I am definitely more mindful of what i am putting in my body that is potentially high in fodmap resulting in unwanted side effects but for now I need my comfort food (not that I can eat much of it anymore anyway being gluten and dairy free) but it was too restrictive and I am done. Good luck to anyone currently doing it and hats off to anyone who has completed it! It did make me feel better but that was because I was eating the most boring diet known to man.