I'm sorry I skipped last weeks worth of blogging, it wasn't a good week at all, in fact it was one of the worse I've had since mum died I think. But do not fear, there is a happy ending to this week so please do read, I won't be all bla bla doom and gloom bla bla I promise.
So Michael started his new job and I thought I was totally ok about this but Monday morning I had panic attack after panic attack and I couldn't work out why. I just remember laying in bed at 10am thinking that this was the worse I have ever felt, physically and mentally just not good, then another wave of panic would arise, subside and by 1pm I was wiped out. I didn't want to tell Michael as he was doing amazing at his first day. I think it was the change of routine and not having Michael around because we had spent nearly every day together since mum died really, and since moving in to this house.
I'd kind of forgotten what it was like to be on my own all day, thankfully my sister had planned to stop by which was a welcome distraction. After that I pottered round the house and tried to remember everything I had learnt about breathing/cbt/obsessive thoughts etc.
I wasn’t looking forward to the week, i was dreading feeling like this but Tuesday came around and the panic was less. I kept myself busy with so much cleaning/tidying/washing/ironing that by the time I had stopped it was nearly 4pm and I hadn’t washed or walked the dog yet and Michael was going to be home within the hour.
By Wednesday I was doing much better and by Thursday I hadn’t had a panic attack in 48 hours. I was exhausted but feeling much better in myself. I reached out to a few people on insta and text who made me feel much better, I also was a week away from starting therapy and had a party to look forward to on the Friday. Speaking of which….
On Friday I went to @nohouserules party at Katie @comedowntothewoods house, luckily she lives just round the corner but I was still anxious about going as I hadn’t really been out much in a while. Especially around 120 strangers. I really enjoyed it, had fun with my date @lq.hq and enjoyed food, gin and interiors. They put on an amazing event and I am so glad I went, felt like I got a little bit of myself back.
On Saturday we had a chill day, I have upped my dosage of propranolol and I really feel it to begin with. I had a lay in watching lots of gardening programmes some Sisters, Wanderlust and I have started a series called Casual. That afternoon Michael and I cooked together and watched some Ozark before getting an early night. How rock and roll!
On Sunday I was up early (ish) we went to an antique shop to find a mirror for over the fireplace, food shop and pick up wood to have our first fire in the house! The aga still isn’t on, and a roast dinner would have perfected our Sunday afternoon but after the dog walk we settled in front of the fire and watched Deathly Hallows Pt 1 then The Bodyguard…how good is it?!!
I was really proud of my Sunday activities because cut to a few days before I couldn’t see myself ever being calm enough to leave the house ever again, let alone go to a party then out shopping. Grief and anxiety really muddles your thoughts and your thought processes and I know that therapy is going to help me untangle the busyness of my brain.
This week so far has been SO much better than last week, I can’t even explain. Whilst I am still feeling bleurgh I am already used to Michael not being here anymore and I’m glad that hasn’t become a ‘thing’ to add to my anxiety list.
Yesterday I had 2 meetings for Simply Social and whilst I was nervous about the one in the afternoon they both went really well and reminded what it was like to be doing something productive with my day rather than instagramming and emails, which is what I feel I have been doing for the past few weeks. And don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy what I do but I felt like I needed to be doing more to get me out of this blip/funk whatever you want to call it.
I’m nervous about starting therapy tomorrow, only because you put yourself in a position that you know is going to be sad and uncomfortable and who really wants to do that for an hour in the morning, but I really am putting so much hope in it helping. I also have to get there with no issues which will be another thing in itself…
Tonight I plan on having a bath, watching Vanity Fair or new Taskmaster, and finding a film before bed then hopefully sleeping straight through till my alarm for therapy! I have also started vlogging again properly, I am filming thurs-weds, editing on a weds evening and uploading Thursday morning.
So that is where I am at at the moment, I was told I would have my ups and my downs and thankfully right now I am back on the up.