Oh hello! Welcome to the 3rd worst week of my life. 1st was mum dying in March (obvs) second was finding out she had cancer (may 2017) and now this one. Another week that will be chalked up in the shitty ass year that has been 2018, and it’s not even over yet.
So I will just start Monday of last week, I sat down to write up the previous weeks edit but actually had quite a few work emails come in and before I knew it was dinner time. I was actually starting to feel a bit better/calmer towards the evening and enjoyed watch Bear Grylls Island whilst eating home made spag bol.
I was looking after my dads dogs for him as he was on a motorcycle holiday with his pal in Scotland. They all get along fine, they’re just hard-work. Michael and Forbes were sleeping in one room and me Atticus and Maude were in another because they wouldn’t settle downstairs. I was feeling better about Michael being back and work and filled my days with chores and work. Still not really up to seeing friends or fun stuff but I am working on it. We watched Daniel Sloss on Netflix (v funny) and went to bed early (and separately).
On Wednesday I woke up and for once my stomach wasn’t in complete agony, I think gentle eating, a little exercise and the distraction of the dogs had taken my mind off my constantly anxious stomach. I cleaned, ironed Michaels shirts and Lili text to say she was coming over. She had been at the hospital that morning and had the day off so wanted to see the dogs. I lit a fire, which fizzled out after about 20 mins and popped the kettle on.
Nothing really prepares you for the news that your little sister has cancer, especially not after the year we have had as a family. My initial reaction was not to cry but read through all of the bumph that the doctors had given her at the appointment. It was the same reaction I had to mum telling me, I wanted to know all the facts first, my brain could process that, then decide what it needs to be anxious about. At that moment we didn’t know much but would find out more from an MRI. So I will tell you more when we have those results.
We had prosecco, Michael came back from work early as Lili had called to ask if he could be with me. Her boyfriend had driven over so we all just sat in the living room next to my whimpering fire talking about how shit it all is, what will happen next etc. They left to drive down to Stamford to tell Dad when he got back from his trip the next day. Dad has lost his mum, his wife and was now about to get this info all within 9 months.
After they had left we realised we had no food in, I went with Michael to tesco and thats when it all hit me. I was trying to find sparkling peach water and was getting frustrated at the inefficacy of Tesco aisle systems and just burst in to tears, and they didn’t stop till I got home. Michael tucked me in to bed with a sandwich, peach drink and a hot water bottle, I think I slept for about 2 hours.
On Thursday my sister told Dad and got a call to say her MRI was the next day (friday) which was great because we thought we may have to wait a couple of weeks for her to get one. I decided not to do any googling until we have MRI results back but I did a little research about the hospitals she will be at. Michael was away for the night (I told him I would be fine, haaa I wasnt but oh well) but I did have my therapy that day which was good timing. It was over the telephone as I had no one that could take me. It went well but it was half giving back story and half talking about this recent shitstorm.
Friday - I set my alarm for 7.45am so I could text Lil before her scan at 8. She was in, out and back at work by about 11 and now we wait to find out where and how much cancer is going on then I assume we put a plan in place. I like a plan. I think I filled most of my day with frippery, moving stuff around and distraction. I got no work done.
The weekend was somewhat of a blur actually, whilst people have the best intentions they are telling me not to worry, its not like Mum, she’s young, its an easier cancer bla bla bla. But until you have been through it (literally a few months ago) you just have no idea, and it’s the little stuff. Its the constant phone checking, the googling of a drug or treatment, the waiting between scans, operations and consultations. I was 100% positive Mum was going to be OK, everything was caught early, she was 56 and relatively healthy. I couldn’t have been more positive. So it is fine you telling me she will be OK, and I truly believe that but that doesn’t stop the agonising worry. The physical pain, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when they text or call because you just don’t know. Lili is much better at communicating than my parents so I feel this time round will be more transparent and easier to deal with in that sense, she is also closer geographically which will help. So far, she is doing OK.
So here we are at Monday. Today wasn’t too bad, we are back to texts about drug forms, insurance, cancer jokes, sympathy memes and the usual TV recommendations and such. I spent the day cooking lasagne, and coq au vin for tomorrow. I faffed with fairy lights and pretty pumpkins and did minimal work.
So yes, I am sorry I have missed a few posts, I didn’t want to not include this as I find it hard to be dishonest in these posts but I wanted to make sure all our family knew first (not that I think they read this but you never know). I am feeling positive that everything is going to go OK, I will keep you updated when we get the results back and what not but until then, send gin and puppies.