Well then, excuse the rather long absence. It’s been for many reasons but it has not been because I have been too busy. I have just been a bit meh. I am sure if you follow me on insta you have kept up with everything I have been sharing so I think rather than do a round up I will just write about my week like the good old days?
Sunday - open garden fun. I had it in my calendar for ages, a lot of the houses open up their gardens for the afternoon. Often selling plants, jams, cake etc and all proceeds go to charity. Well, any excuse to have a nosey round the neighbours and I am there. Only issue was the physical side effects of my new meds (will be writing a whole post on starting anti depressants) they make me very lethargic and because I have been all meh for the past few months my fitness and capacity for exercise (even walking) has been severely limited.
I was anxious about going so I thought if I invited someone to come with me it will make me go. Well it just made me more anxious, my tummy did flips all morning. The crazy thing about anxiety is that I wanted to go, mentally I wanted to go but my brain also reacts to my physical symptoms (this is where CBT steps in and helps) . Long story short. I went. I had a lovely time. I bought some plants. I felt very proud. This little event seemed to stir something in me.
Monday - ok so, each day I have been trying to walk further and further from my house on my own and on Monday I finally managed to push round a corner I had been walking up to for the past week. I walked round the corner and a few houses down. Anxiety was minimal but heightened when I turned round to come home realising how far I had to walk back. I tried hard to concentrate on my podcast and also talked to the dog and it started to calm down when I got to familiar territory. The reason I am pushing my zone is because I have tickets to see Ed Sheeran in August and in order to not freak out entirely I need to become comfortable walking from my house. Thankfully the venue is walkable so I am practising every day.
Tuesday - we had Michaels Dad over to watch the cricket (which I have become fully invested in) and then that evening I went over to a friends house to watch The Hills. Again was pleased with this, hardly any anxiety, had a couple of proseccos and got to meet some new people.
Wednesday - I got to catch up with my sister which was lovely. Also blitzed through so chores and went for the same walk as Monday and made it there and back with no problem, less anxiety than before but it was definitely still there. It was a cloudy and cooler day which made it much easier though.
Thursday - I sorted the garden out. I haven’t had the energy to keep up with it over the past few weeks but that is slowly changing so I spent the day planting up new plants, dead heading, sweeping and trying to find a way of stopping all the nyger seed from falling to the soil and sprouting. Riveting I know. You can see all my garden updates on insta as I have saved them in a highlight. When we moved in it was just baron with an acer tree, a half dead wisteria and some straggly peonies. Same for the roof terrace and at the front. Just nothing. I have found gardening to be such a tonic over the past few months and watching everything finally come in to bloom has been so rewarding. It is a good distraction and enough physical labour to feel like I have done something when recently I have been so sedentary.
Friday - BBQ! We decided last minute to throw a little BBQ and invite 10 friends over (will do a separate post on bbq food ideas!). The last time we did this I had a panic attack when everyone arrived because I felt like there were too many people in my house (I don’t think anyone noticed and after 15 mins it passed). I was slightly worried it would happen again but thankfully it didn’t. Which I think is down to the new medication and the fact I have been working on lowering my anxiety a lot. I really enjoyed myself! I actually drank and ate which is something I don’t usually do if we have guests, we watched Love Island on the roof terrace, then Harry Potter. It was lovely.
I have written about setting up an Outdoor Cinema here, if you want info on anything.
Saturday - a rest day. We watched a few films, have finally started Black Mirror and watched Instant Family (really enjoyed). We ate leftovers and left all the washing up for the next day.
Sunday - a lie in, followed by a nice calm dog walk. Or so I thought. I had low anxiety so decided to walk further again. I managed it, felt anxious on the way back but ended up finding a lost dog. Well, I couldn’t have just left her so I tried to find her owner near where I found her and no luck. I didn’t have a spare lead and she was really strong so I called Michael to come and help. We walked a bit further and after sitting still next to the lake the owner finally found us and was very grateful. She had jumped in to the lake on the other side and swam across.
I ended up being out about an hour longer than planned and it turns out it takes a lost dog to push my comfort zone. I got home, had some rosé and got ready to enjoy love island! Which by the way, is finally starting to get good. Do you have a favourite? Mine was Curtis till this week! Now I don’t like any of them…maybe Anna?
Misc - sleep is shit. I need to pee all the time. I have blurred vision. My dreams are insanely vivid ( I don’t care if this is TMI but it made me laugh, I dreamt that my clitoris was detachable and there were people living underneath the hood like a tent…). We had a cancer scare with Atticus but he got the all clear. My grief is still very heavy, but lighter than it was. I eat half a pack of oreos a day. I gave up booze for 2 months whilst I let my meds sink in. One of my best friends is pregnant and I am so excited. I achingly miss my mum every day.
I hope you are well and thank you for reading. See you here next week?